Parvonae Fernandez Licensed Psychologist, Sex Therapist
Dr. Fernandez assists you in managing conflict and increasing intimacy and connection in your relationship.
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Q&A With Joel Crohn Interfaith & InterCultural Expert Facilitated by Coaching Circles
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Q. I'm engaged to a Peruvian and my parents think I'm headed for disaster. They believe that our different cultures and languages (I speak passable but far from perfect Spanish) are going to make marriage that much more difficult. Do you agree with my parents that marrying within your own culture is the key to a successful relationships?
A. Every layer of difference in a relationship does add to its complexity and to increased divorce rates. This doesn't mean that cross-cultural couples shouldn't marry. You just need to face the fact that you'll probably need to do more work than couples from more similar backgrounds. Something else to watch out for is that your parents' objections can paradoxically push you into each other's arms and distract you from focusing on the issues you need to face as a couple. Accept that all marriages take a lot of hard work, and that when cultural, racial, religious, national, or linguistic differences are part of the mix, you have to develop your relationship skills to create a positive relationship.
Q. I'm from New York and I just married a Japanese woman I met through business connections. Things were going along great until her mother, who is a widow, recently was diagnosed with cancer. My wife is an only child, and feels compelled to return to Japan to be with her mother. When I point out that her mother has the resources to get the care she needs, my wife says I don't understand, and that she has to go, at least for four months-if not longer. I'm trying to understand, but it really hurts me that she's putting her mother before our marriage.
A. This is a tough one. Cultural values have a tremendous effect on how we define "family loyalty." When you and your fiancé fell in love, you may have told one another that you each feel "very close" with your families. But contrasting cultural norms may mean that you may have very different ideas of what that word "close" actually means. Cultural values act as filters, coloring the meaning of words and emotions. In general, the values of most Asian cultures stress the importance of the group over the individual and of honoring elders. In Western cultures, and especially in the United States, romantic love and the individual's happiness often come first. You may ask your fiancé, "wouldn't you be happier here with me than going back go Japan to take care of your mother?" But she may be thinking to herself, "how could you put our personal happiness before the needs of my mother?" While there are no easy answers to this situation, it is important that you try to really understand each other's perspectives before trying to negotiate your differences. You'll then be in a much better position to find workable solutions.
Q. My Japanese husband wants our house to be bilingual. I understand that this is important to him. But I'm afraid of being left out of their conversations (I don't speak Japanese) and that we're going to confuse our son with too many languages at this stage of his development. Any insights?
A. I would say that in today's global society, children who are brought up to be bilingual can have a big advantage, not to mention a richer cultural understanding of both sides of their family. Research suggests that children who are raised in bilingual households have somewhat slower language development for the first few years of life, but catch up by age 6 or 7 and do as well or better in school than monolingual children. The bottom line is that children are amazingly flexible when their parents deal well with their own differences. If one partner has to give up his native language with a child, it can feel like a real loss. But if the other parent feels left out of conversations, as you mentioned, that can be stressful as well. Be sure you communicate your concerns to your husband, so he can be sensitive to your situation. Have you tried studying Japanese? Even understanding a little might help minimize your fears of being left out, and help your husband understand that you are truly interested in helping him pass the Japanese language and culture to your son.
Multiracial by AAMFT There are approximately 7 million people in the United States who identify as mixed-race, with half of these being under the age of 18, and it is estimated that the mixed-race population in the U.S. will reach 21% by 2050.
Moving Forward-Back Into Reality by University of North Carolina Comments (0) Although the number of interracial couples has grown by the thousands in the last thirty years, the acceptance of such has not progressed in the same manner. Granted, social acceptance of these relationships has come a long way, but certain conditions plaguing our society have made it impossible for these couples to feel completely free of stereotypes and prejudice.
Over the years, people have become more aware of interracial dating and marriages through different mediums of the mass media. One very influential way has been through film. For example, two directors, from two very different times in American history, attacked the issue of interracial relationships in their own feature films. The first film, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, was made in 1967, and was directed by Stanley Kramer. The other film, Spike Lee's Jungle Fever, was made almost thirty years later in 1991.
Both portrayals of interracial couples and the social ramifications of being involved in such a relationship are rooted in similar ground, yet it is obvious that both depictions were manipulated by the time period in which the films were made. Ironically, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner seems to present a much more hopeful view of life for interracial couples than Jungle Fever, which was made during a time when society presumably should have been more comfortable with such an idea. However, with deeper observation, it appears than Guess Who's Coming to Dinner is more of a safe, Hollywood depiction of how love conquers all rather than an example of racial consciousness, whereas Jungle Fever engages in the true realities and complexities of interracial dating and of race relations in general.
“What’s Interracial Dating?” by InterracialDatingCentral.com
An interracial dating site for singles of all races looking for an interracial relationship or interracial marriage.
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Q&A With Joel Crohn 
Multiracial by AAMFT 
Moving Forward-Back Into Reality by University of North Carolina 
