I have worked with numerous couples at all stagesof life, and have "learned by doing" in my own 32 year marriage,including raising three fantastic and challenging children to adulthood.
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Q&A With Bill & Stephanie O’Hanlon Facilitated by Coaching Circles
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Q. Though my husband and I have been married just two years, we've yet to sort out the housework responsibilities. We both have demanding careers, but I end up shouldering all the housework, from doing his laundry to grocery shopping. We divvied up the chores, but he never follows through. I'd hate to think of how it will be when we have kids! It's the only thorn in our marriage. What sort of compromise can you suggest?
A. What are the consequences if your husband doesn't do his chores? It's fine to divvy things up, but it probably won't make any difference, unless he pays a price for not following through on his commitments. If he is sincere in his desire to do his part, but just finds himself sliding out of it, you'll need to agree on some consequences that remind him to put his chores higher in his consciousness. For example, if your husband fails to do any of his chores in a particular week, he agrees to visit your family, do 20 sit-ups, clean the oven, etc., on Sunday before he does anything he'd prefer to do that day. This is not to "punish" him, but to help make following through more important and memorable to him.
Also, nature abhors a vacuum. If you do not step in when you see something undone, perhaps your husband will eventually notice and take action. Stop doing his laundry forawhile and eventually he might realize it needs to be done and take action. And if you stop buying his favorite treats at the grocery store, your husband may be motivated to do some shopping and then you can give him a list of things you need while he is at the store.
Q. My husband and children destroy my house. Every day I am spending hours cleaning up after them. It’s unstated that taking care of the house is my job, but I think my family’s sloppiness is out of control.
A. Watch your language. It may seem subtle, but referring to it as “my house” as opposed to “our house” may alienate your family rather than motivate them to do their share. It sounds like being the cleaning enforcer has created a “you vs. them” situation. It’s time to try a new approach. In order to get their cooperation, it’s important for you to acknowledge that they do care about how the house looks (maybe not in the same way you do), but that your different priorities about cleaning have created a rift in the family.
Who should set the cleaning standards? It probably shouldn’t be you, since you’ve already been typecast as the heavy. Our guess is that in order to re-engage your family, you are going to have to negotiate an agreement. Our main point is that it has to be mutual, as opposed to the unilateral approach — you setting the standards and then trying to enforce them — which isn’t working. After negotiating cleaning standards and responsibilities, create a written agreement, with consequences for lack of follow-through (no TV, no allowance for the children or your husband has to cook an extra meal the next day or week if they “forget” or don’t do their agreed-upon tasks).
Q. My wife is a terrible cook but she insists on making all the family meals. I have suggested that we hire someone to help cook or that she take cooking classes, but she has refused. What else can I do?
A. Your wife may cook the food, but you don't have to eat it. We are a little puzzled by her refusal to compromise and would be curious to hear her take on the matter.
Short of us being able to hear more from her, we suggest a compromise. For example, you could alternate meal responsibilities. On your nights, you can get take-out or make something for yourself (and perhaps for the kids). On her nights, either put up with your wife's cooking ormake your own meals. If she won't go along with a compromise, which your letter implies, then you still don't have to eat what she prepares. Regardless of whether you cook or bring food in for yourself and the children, you can still eat together as a family.. We live in Santa Fe, the capital of funky individualized diets (the Zone, vegan, allergy-free, macrobiotic, blood-type, etc.). It is not unusual for every person at a table to eat something different.
“The Newlywed Game” by Willard F. Harley via MarriageBuilders.com
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“Postpartum Depression” by the APA
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“Adjusting to Parenthood” By Dr. Phil
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Q&A With Bill & Stephanie O’Hanlon Facilitated by Coaching Circles
